Couples Seeking Solutions - Therapeutic Center for Individuals and Couples
RSS Become a Fan

Recent Posts

Dr. Eva's Mission
Self Love Boundaries
5 Valentines Tips That Are Free and Fun
Communication Tips for Couples
"Stop Trying to Fix Yourself, Your Not Broken"


couples therapy intensives
Self love boundaries
What is Couples Therapy?
powered by

Couples Seeking Solutions Blog

Communication Tips for Couples

Communication Tips

As my practice developed, the issue of communicating better was a hot topic, however I have come to realize a major distinction. The distinction is that couples can communicate quite well, however many had trouble communicating one thing in specific, their emotions.

I make this distinction because its important to point out how difficult it can be for all of us, even great communicators, to discuss our vulnerabilities and emotions. My integrated approach to working with couples is emotion focused for this reason. I help them to make minor emotional refinements in the ways they interact, that ultimately make a big difference long term.

Many of my couples are amazed at how easy these communication adjustments are and the impact it makes on their level of intimacy. Couples often present with gridlock issues and defensiveness, which closes off their ability to attune and really listen to their partners, most often because they don't feel heard either.

Active listening and learning how to complain without blaming is a two step process that really helps.

Active listening is the process of repeating back exactly what your partner says. Its a simple, yet advanced way of communicating because it impacts so much of the couples ability to feel heard, validated, and secure. Active listening promotes a reduction in your partners anxious and emotional state immediately.

Basically, instead of finding solutions or giving advice, the new solution is to actively listen and self soothe your partner. Solutions don't often work with couples and both get stuck in trying to manage the others emotional state because they don't want them to be upset, naturally.

However solutions other than actively listening promotes more anxiousness. Many of my couples often say "I'm not looking for advice or solutions, I'm looking for understanding - not agreement from my partner."

So try active listening out and you'll notice the difference.  

The other tip, which is complaining without blaming, actually prohibits attacking or criticism.
Starting off with your feelings rather than pointing the finger or using the word "you always or you never" is best.
For example you could start with this formula:
I feel ------ when you --- and it would make a difference if ------- (tell your partner what you want here, not what you don't want). Fill in the blanks.

This can get more complicated depending on the sensitivity of the topic, which is why many couples come in to see me at the practice, as the emotional content is difficult at times.

The framework for this work is set up with the goal of understanding each other. Its not about agreeing or disagreeing or right and wrong. For this work to really make a difference both partners understand that there are always two realties or two truths in each partnership and that their feelings are based on their individual perspectives.

Having tolerance for difference is an important part of this process, however, most importantly its about setting the intention to listen differently while managing defensiveness. In this process you are taking the word "should" out of your vocabulary, and instead actively listening, even if you don't agree. Couples stay married because they try to understand their partners, even when they are not seeing eye to eye.

Hope these tips is helpful! T

Tips by Dr. John Gottman's research on happily married couples.
For more information on tips to help your relationship go to or call anytime for consultation.

9 Comments to Communication Tips for Couples:

Comments RSS
Eva Brown on Saturday, July 30, 2016 10:03 PM
Yes, communication is key. At our practice, we teach the basic fundamentals of communication at our larger retreat and local intensives. Stay tuned for new posts about how to increase intimacy and trust. Thanks for your post!
Reply to comment

essay writer on Friday, December 23, 2016 7:59 PM
I enjoyed over read your blog post. Your blog have nice information, I got good ideas from this amazing blog. I am always searching like this type blog post. I hope I will see again
Reply to comment

showbox for PC on Wednesday, January 04, 2017 7:47 AM
If you face any kind of trouble during movies downloading and you want to see latest movies in HD format then you need an app like showbox nowadays this app getting much popular because of its attractive and trendy features. This is an app which is compatible with all your devices.
Reply to comment

essay tigers review on Saturday, January 14, 2017 5:39 AM
You always can publish something absorbing that does not waste minutes of your life like what you see on countless other sites. This is very interesting and I will be back for more. Thanks for sharing
Reply to comment on Wednesday, July 19, 2017 2:43 AM
Many thanks for such a report! In fact, it is sometimes really hard to listen to someone and understand this person. Therefore, it's very important to be on the same page with your spouse.
Reply to comment

replica watches on Monday, November 20, 2017 1:53 AM
Reply to comment

Send Valentine Day Gift to Pakistan on Saturday, January 06, 2018 8:21 AM
Thanks for sharing.
Reply to comment

Austin Oneal on Thursday, March 08, 2018 7:48 AM
Regular job.
Reply to comment

uni assignments online on Wednesday, April 18, 2018 1:20 AM
I have been through the same situation often times and all I have got to know is that we should be giving time to everything in life. That is the only idea we are able to get sort out many things in life.
Reply to comment

Add a Comment

Your Name:
Email Address: (Required)
Make your text bigger, bold, italic and more with HTML tags. We'll show you how.
Post Comment